90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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