Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
