He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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