fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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