I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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