Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
