yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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