I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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