I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
