I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
