I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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