The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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