I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
