it wasn't lemon gatorade
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
