Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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