I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
