just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
