It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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