I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
