Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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