Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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