If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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