Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
