I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
