And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
