Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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