oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
