Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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