i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
