I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
