I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am naked and annoyed.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
