The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
