That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
