The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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