well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
