I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i out mim tonsoeep
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