Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
