So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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