I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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