Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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