I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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