She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
