I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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