Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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