I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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