So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
