he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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