I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
