I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
