Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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