never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You made out with two different species that night
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
