Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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