What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
