im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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