I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
