You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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