They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
