The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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